"It is the double standard that Americans have come to know and trust: When men tell you their number of sexual partners, no matter how high, you ask why so low? When women tell you their count, no matter how low, you ask why such a hoe? It isn’t fair. Women have the same sexual desires, the same animalistic drive that men do…they just have to tame it or hide it, anything to take their numbers down, otherwise they will be deemed as dirty. Well, not anymore. There is a new breed of woman that was born from this very predicament, this very double standard; please welcome “The Monogamous Hoe.”

She isn’t sleeping around, no bed hopping for her, and she isn’t doing the walk of shame, or trying to figure how she wound up a $20 cab ride from home. She is, however, getting hers, and a whole lot of it, and she is smart. She has discovered the life of a woman who can have as much sex as she wants, the craziest hanging-from-the-chandelier, laying-across-the-desk, sitting-sideways-on-the-loveseat sex, and have her number of partners stay exactly where she wants it to stay. She can let go of her inhibitions and do the things she wants to because with you its quality, not quantity.

Here are a few ways to figure out if you have yourself a “Monogamous Hoe.”

1. When you talk, you can tell she isn’t always listening, whether it’s because she is watching “The O.C.” or plucking her eyebrows, you know that she isn’t quite with you. When you ask her to do something active, go to a game, movie, dinner, etc. she asks why you cant just stay in and you know what, and you ask “is that all I am good for?” (in your head of course). When you wonder why she is with you, and suddenly realize you hear her scream more than talk…you know you have caught yourself a faithful hoe. Not that you should complain, but these are signs that she is harnessing her numbers while riding you for as long as she can hold on for. Take it or leave it (or take it then leave it).

2. Her bedroom is sex-proof. Her bed, her sheets, the furniture, her rug, everything in her room is white, and somehow you know it has to do with the genius theory of camouflage. And she has a special drawer…the one right next to her lingerie drawer, the one that only opens after the candles (that are somehow always ready) are lit, and the door (with four locks) is shut. Her special drawer is her pride and joy, and she never lets you go in it yourself, but rather pulls things out for your enjoyment (and hers of course). Things that facilitate, things to put on, things that enhance, things that only Monogamous Hoes have the audacity to pull out. And you think about how pre-mediated this room and your lead role in this play actually was…and the answer is very. Just remember to take a bow once the curtain is closed, and the act is over, for now…

3. She has a bar in her living room. There are magnum bottles of wine, red, white, blushes, your choice, but always full bottles. She has vodka (Popov , Kettle One, and anything in-between), rum, tequila…lots of tequila. She knows what she likes, and has lots of it, and likes to have a drink before operating “heavy machinery.” She doesn’t have many inhibitions, but what are left she likes to wash down with a shot, and a glass of merlot, even when you’re just watching Real World re-runs on a Tuesday night. The bigger her bar, the bigger the Monogamous Hoe, and the more certain you can be that you are in fact with the new species herself…your very own one-man kind-of-promiscuous-chick who wants a whole lot of sex, but not with a whole lot of men.

The Monogamous Hoe may be your girlfriend, your fiancé, or even your neighbor in apartment 3B, but whoever she is, she is definitely getting more than most, and defeating the double standard one less walk of shame at a time." [Via PimpWiz.com]

Labels: Ask Lauren, Lauren Weiss, women