"Sleigh bells are ringing, mistletoe is hanging, egg nogg is being poured and Santas in Macy’s across the country are pushing aside their pedophile urges to ask “John” and “Jane” what they want for Christmas. While you are playing Santa (or Chanukah Harry) to your Mrs. Claus (or Mrs. Chanukah Harry) this Holiday season, there are some gifts you should avoid getting for her regardless of if she has been naughty or nice (hopefully VERY naughty). Make this your “not-to-buy” list and you will be warming up December with your Yule-time satisfied log.

1. Slippers, socks, anything to keep her feet warm. This is her Grandmother’s job and it is the kind of gift that beckons the “oh…socks” face,” which is one step above the “oh…I stepped in dog sh*t face.” Further, women with warm feet have less reason and desire to jump into bed since they are already toasty. Sexy women keep their toes naked and well manicured like the rest of their bodies and well, it’s two less pieces of clothing to remove when hanging your “b*lls on her tree.”


2. Gift Certificate. What better way to tell her that you have no clue who she is or what she likes then to write her a check to a store that she has to go to and pick out her own gift from you. How thoughtful? You might as well call her a different name, slip a $20 in her pocket and tell her to buy herself something nice. You thought Santa got the least amount of ass during the Christmas season? If you get her a gift certificate, guess again. If you get her this “not-to-buy” gift you won’t be stuffing anyone’s stocking this Holiday.

3. DVDs. Although giving her a DVD of even her favorite film can seem harmless, even thoughtful, think it over…Women tend not to watch flicks alone and when you are out of town and the girls are busy, who is she going to watch with? Another “male-friend” perhaps? It is a rule that the larger a girls’ DVD collection, the more likely she is to cheat, and if she has an extensive wine collection to match, the more likely she is go cheat like she means it. It seems harmless really, just watching a movie with a “friend,” but watching can become much more with just a brush of an arm and how would that feel to know that your “thoughtful” gift was the catalyst for Mrs. Claus going down on somebody else’s chimney.

4. Body wash, body spray, scented lotion, etc. First of all “holy-predictable.” This is one of the biggest mistakes men make…unless she has asked you for a specific perfume, do NOT get her anything that could be a subtle, or not so subtle, hint about her hygiene. Girls always see the glass as half empty and will see a scented gift as a personal insult to her upkeep, even if it wasn’t meant to be. She will immediately become insecure, especially about being intimate, and she will most like clam up (no pun intended, but hey it works). Stick with scented candles if you want to give her something luxurious and sweet smelling or don’t give her anything scented. After all, there is nothing like the natural smell of “chest-nuts roasting on an open fire.”

5. Clothing. Here we have another “the glass is half empty” example of why NOT to buy clothes for your lady this holiday season. No matter what you buy her, anything with a size attached to the tag will make her mad. Even if you buy her a small, and she actually is small, she will be mad that you didn’t get her an x-small or even a petite. Even if she tells you her size, she will be disappointed when the “M” shows up in a tissue filled rectangular box. Steer clear of clothing, let her do her own shopping and self-loathing. All she really wants for Christmas is to not feel like the “nice” fat ass coming down the chimney, but to feel like a hottie doing the “naughty” in front of the fireplace.

BONUS: What She Does Want for Christmas
1. Gadgets. Women are the new men and they want the same techie stuff you do (Nano, Sidekick, etc.). Give them something to make them feel powerful; women with power are women who like sex…and they already know quite well how to insert batteries into toys.
2. Sexy silk robe. The robe itself is hot, but you will always wonder what is underneath-a constant surprise, and robes are usually easier to size, and easier access.
3. How-to-make cocktails book. She will like that there is a creative aspect to it and it will keep her busy and off your back while you watch football. Encourage her to sample her concoctions as well and you might just be getting what you asked her for Christmas." [Via PimpWiz.com]

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