"Whether you dress as a pimp with gold chains around your neck and a purple faux fur coat, or as a convict with a plastic ball and chain dragging behind your black and white stripped digs, or as Napoleon Dynamite (sure to be a hit this Halloween) afro, glasses and a “Liger” shirt, every man, who as a boy wanted nothing but candy on October 31st, now goes out “trick or treating” for a different kind of sugar…a lady friend who dressed up as well, and at the end of the night wants to dress all the way down.

Every other night of the year, while out on the prowl, it is fairly easy to see a young woman and to know how to approach her based upon her looks, persona, body language, etc. Halloween night, however, throws in the added obstacle of a costume…girls in costumes adapt to their ensemble and role-play. They are not themselves and it is hard to dissect the woman behind the attire, and this can throw your game off. So how do you know how to approach the fine ladies on Halloween night? Here are a few tips on how to break down a few “tricks” and get some sweet “treats.”

The Nurse- Tell her you haven’t been feeling well and you were wondering if she can mend a heart ache. That you are suffering from a broken heart and you haven’t been out in a long time, but came out on Halloween because you thought that the costume could hide your pain and it’s just so hard (look down at the floor here). She will want to comfort you and take care of you the best she can, and although her expertise is not in the medical field, she may use her stethoscope to monitor other physical functions.

The Police Officer- Start off with “excuse me officer, but I was wondering if it’s a crime not to help a Good Samaritan in need?” When she says yes/I think so (hopefully she knows it is illegal), tell her that then you need to buy her a drink, because unfortunately your looks won’t do it for her unless she is heavily intoxicated and your just trying to help the cause. Girls like the humorous humble-angle, especially the ones dressed as cops…these girls are usually the ones who have a shy outer-shell but are confident and aggressive (even kinky) in the bedroom. Dressing as a cop on Halloween is the one night they allow themselves to outwardly hint that they like to play rough. So take her by the handcuffs, bring her to the bar, and buy her a shot or two. She might just want to find your “fingerprints” on the “crime scene” the next morning.

The Angel/The Devil- Just think “you are NOT what you wear,” think opposites, think incognito. The girls dressed up as angels, are in reality, devilish, and the devils, are good girls in disguise. So treat them accordingly and don’t be deceived. Give an angel a nice hard pat on the ass as you walk by, she will look stunned, then mad, then she will smile…she likes it like that. Tell a devil she is the most beautiful devil you have ever seen and kiss her hand, and she will “burn” for you. But if you really want to unwrap some sweets on Halloween eve, bring home an angel and under her halo and white feathered wings is the REAL devil that will be sure to bring you a piece of Heaven.

The School Girl- “Oops she did it again…” this cliché costume screams overplayed and this look was out around the same time Britney Spears starting going downhill. This generic chick will be the drunkest at the party and most likely to enter the Halloween costume contest and make-out with her school girl accomplice just to try to win the prize (and won’t of course). Be her consolation prize and take her home as your parting gift-shouldn’t be too hard…just tell her you want her to “teach you a lesson” and hopefully her foreplay won’t be as lame as her costume choice.

So now you have a start…slip on your masks, hats and props and relax. This Halloween you won’t have to go door to door for your sweets. You will get enough sugar behind the first door you open, and you won’t have to ask “trick or treat.” This year you get both.

Labels: Ask Lauren, women